I do 99% of my crying in February

Out one day
walking one day
out one day with you,
Hallelujah.

Trolley Wood - Eisley

I've said it before, and it won't be the last time - February sucks.

No joke, February is the month I hate more than any other month ever. Everything shitty happens in February.

Valentine's Day is neato with making cards and getting candy and watching people get engaged and stuff(congrats to those of you that are in that group this year, btw. <3), but besides that February is basically the worst month ever.

Good thing it's so short. Oh, maybe that's why it's so awful - overcompensation. It just wants to be remembered.

Introspection is always good though, isn't it?

I've been doing a lot of that. Or at least attempting.

I've been doing really poorly in school. Well, not REALLY poorly. I just haven't been doing as well as I'd like. I've decided that my whole "I'll do it when I feel like it" attitude is just not cutting it. I need to start getting homework done on time -- ahead of time -- and liking it. My history class got me all upset, but I really need to look at it and know that I screwed up in that class. It's my fault that I got the grade that I did, no matter how much the teacher and I disagreed and how awfully she graded, and I need to do something different to make sure the same thing doesn't happen again. In my writing class, specifically. I have such an urge to just do nothing in that class like I do in most of my other classes, and I just can't do that anymore. It's not the way to get what I want out of things.

My heart's in sync with
these toxic memories
when I look back, I
wish I had more of these

...

Let me hear you say
"Hey kid, I missed this
Hey kid, I missed this"
'Cause I missed this.

Hey, hey, lookit
you came around again
Didn't think I'd see you
with how things ended back then
Hey, hey, old friend
I think it's been too long.

Hey Hey - October Fall

Also, money. Money's an issue for everyone, isn't it? We're going through a hard time economically and all, and money is one of the(if not THE) leading causes of divorce. I am awful with money, though. Seriously awful. I spend money on everything because I have it...
But I made myself a budget tonight, and I made myself a file that I have to write down every purchase I make so that I will think a little longer about buying things. I'm getting a tax refund and I'm going to put it away in the bank here in Tomah so that I can't have it in LaCrosse. And no more using paycheck money for the rest of the school year - I have my TowerOne card and that's ALL. For the rest of the school year. Period.

I will, of course, use paycheck money when I go to Arkansas and also when I go to the Fall Out Boy concert in May. But that's vacations. By doing my homework and saving my money better, I will have earned it by then. Hopefully.

You only hold me up like this
because you don't know who I really I am
sometimes I just want to  know what it's like
to be you. 

...

You only hold me up like this
'cause you don't know who I really am
I used to waste my time on
waste my time on
I used to waste my time dreaming of being alive
Now I only waste it dreaming of you.

...

I've got headaches and bad luck
but they couldn't touch you, no. 

Of All the Gin Joints in the World - Fall Out Boy

Also, thanks to a freaking wonderful boy that I know I've started a new project: Making a list of everything I want to do in my life. I think that maybe it will help me with purpose, feeling like I'm moving towards something good.

I've also started writing again. I might post some of it here.

Word's out -
I'm not the man I used to be
You knew it all along
I felt this way 
I put it in this song

Tear me apart
for pouring out my heart
I know it wouldn't phase you in the least.

I hate you now.
Remember how I held you for
all the lonely nights you know we shared.
Remember how you never cared
about anything I said
And now I'm dead to you
so bury me instead

The Ransom - Cartel 

For everyone who looks at the song lyrics thinking, "WTF, why?": 

When Words Fail, Music Speaks

Sometimes I wish you would pay more attention to my favorite songs, because the lyrics they sing are the words I'm too afraid to say.

"We mouth your words when your tongues are too paralyzed" 
"We are your favorite quote."
Yearbook Club: Boys in Bands Interlude - Gym Class Heroes